A long time ago, I read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and I discovered that my primary love language is quality time. This implies two things: meaningful conversations and quality relationships. It was one of the pieces of the puzzle that made me realize that I get huge value from building the relationships I need in my life, both professional and personal.
Although I could only begin to appreciate the impact of good relationships in my early twenties when I had my first best friend (who is still my best friend today), since then beautiful relationships have bloomed in my life. Last year, when I made a 360 degree exploration among people who know me best and have worked with me, one of the things they all recommended that one of my strengths was building quality relationships. It came both as a surprise and as a strong insight.
I relate and interact naturally with others, but I also intentionally dedicate time and create space for relationships to grow, as I know I do it primarily for myself. Good relationships are like a nice home where I allow myself to feel at peace, to create, to relax, to belong, to experience. Meaningful relationships are the best mirror I could have to understand who I am, to express my identity at a deeper level. My education and my willingness to learn contributed hugely to who I am today. But higher on the list are my relationships: with my family members, my life partners, my best friends, my business partners, my mentors and mentees, my communities, my employees, and other people I worked with or spent meaningful time with.
I don’t believe in recipes, especially when it comes to human interaction, but I am fascinated about how relationships work or don’t work and I am happy to share my own insights, hoping they will contribute to better relationships for you as well.
I practice sharing as a starting point. I genuinely want to create a connection with people I interact with. Most of the time it comes easier to actually start an interesting conversation, other times only to express how I feel. So I open up and share something about me only to build up on a deeper conversation. If it flows naturally, it can be the starting point of a sharing experience, a safe space, or a friendship.
I show vulnerability in the relationships that matter. Relationships are easier to maintain when everything in life is joyful and fulfilling. But life is a mix of highs and lows and I cannot expect my friends to intuitively know what happens in some areas of my life so they can be there for me. So I initiate sharing experiences that cannot be guessed otherwise. I state from the beginning that my intention is to bring one more aspect of myself into the relationship and that most of the time I wait for nothing in return. It is my way of restating my commitment for a meaningful, clean relationship.
I practice active listening. Although I love to speak and to share my stories, I intentionally want to be there for the people who matter to me. And being there does not assume they need my opinion or my advice, which I sometimes offer by default. Being there for a shared moment of vulnerability could be only listening and asking about their needs. I equally want to be associated with a safe emotional and intellectual space by my friends as they are for me.
I dedicate time regularly for the relationships that matter to me. Most of my best friends live in different countries and on different continents and we have kept our connection despite the distance. I visit my best friends in the US or Turkey or the UK when there are important moments in their lives, like their birthdays or the birth of their kids. With one of my friends who lives in Australia, I have regular calls even though the time zone makes interactions difficult. With another one who lives in Austria, we record voice messages that we call podcast episodes, as they are long and juicy.
I do my favorite activities with people that are meaningful to me or with those I want to build a relationship with. During the pandemic, I went running in a forest next to my house with one of my best friends. This activity not only kept us in shape, but also kept us connected during times with limited human interaction. Now, I go running, hiking, or skiing with my friends to spend quality time together and also do something we love doing. Experiences create a complex ground for complex interactions to possibly happen.
Besides the existing relationships that I value, I dedicate time to meet new people and to build up new relationships. I am extremely grateful to live in a world without borders when it comes to building relationships. I enjoy having diverse activities from yoga to hardcore hiking, from book clubs to talking about investments. So I do these activities with an open heart and mind in new groups, always willing to meet like-minded people. I prefer to go to events with small groups of people where I can have genuine conversations, or I organize dinners or day trips to interact with the people I would like to know better.
I appreciate every relationship has its own timing and its own phases. Everything that lasts in the long term has different stages—so do the relationships. Common life events or proximity can help relationships blossom, just as distance or different life stages can dilute the connection. Some relationships can even take a pause or even end at a point. It feels difficult to let them go, but life has always gifted me with a beautiful relationship after a dear one has ended. I experienced complications with one of my best friends who I tried to connect with many years ago. We were both living in different countries while moving frequently and we could not synchronize. Once I came back to Romania, we went on a trip to the seaside with a bigger group and became best friends after four days spent together.
I establish quality relationships in all areas of my life. At heart, I am an idealist. I lived many years assuming that a perfect match in an area of interest could mean a perfect match in all important areas. I used to assume that a best friend with the same interests could be a great match as a business partner. Likewise, I also assumed that a life partner could be the best match for a spiritual journey. At this point in my life, I’ve come to understand that for my core needs and interests, I want to have more than one meaningful relationship. For my soul topics I have few of my best friends, for investments and business I have other friends, and for education and social gatherings I have other amazing people I am connected with. Why put the pressure on a relationship to meet all my interests and needs?
Going back to the idea that good relationships are similar to a cozy home, where each room has its own light, its own vibe, and its own purpose, how do you intentionally care for all these different spaces with similar, but diverse purposes in your life?