Hello, dear friend,
I started this year with one primary goal in mind: to prioritise.
For a while, I had been juggling too many projects at once, many of them meaningful, some even exciting, but often lacking synergy. I found myself spread too thin, and despite loving the work, I was most of the time running on low energy. On top of work, I love deep conversations, spending time with close friends, and meeting new people who challenge and inspire me. I also devote a great deal of time to helping others, whether through my NGO, Adoptăm Studenți, or by mentoring young professionals navigating the early chapters of their careers.
All of these bring me energy, but, paradoxically, they also drain me. That duality made me pause and rethink the way I get involved.
I realised I wasn’t just dealing with a time management issue. I was facing a deeper question: where in my life was I giving too much without enough return? Not necessarily a return to me personally, but a return in impact, purpose, or shared energy. I wasn’t looking for a perfect short-term give-and-take ratio. Life is naturally imbalanced at times. But I wanted to better understand what a healthy long-term balance looks like.
Re-reading Give and Take by Adam Grant was a turning point.
The Three Styles: Givers, Takers, Matchers
In the book, Grant explains that people tend to operate in one of three styles of interaction: givers, takers, and matchers. Givers are those who help others freely, often without expecting anything in return. Takers aim to get more than they give, often focusing on self-interest and personal gain. Matchers believe in fairness and reciprocity; they try to maintain a roughly even exchange, helping when helped, returning favours, and keeping track.
So this article is for givers, as I understand more and more that takers and matchers don’t usually need to pause and assess their emotional energy because they rarely feel drained by giving.
Interestingly, Grant highlights a paradox: both the most successful people and the least successful people tend to be givers. The difference lies not in whether they give, but in how they give.
Successful givers are generous, yes, but also strategic. They are other-focused, yet self-aware, or how Grant calls them: “otherish” (a blend of caring for others and selfishness). They protect their time and energy so they can continue giving without burning out. They choose how and where to contribute based on where they can create the most value, for others and for themselves. They learn to say no when needed, without feeling guilty, and they focus their efforts where they can have real impact.
In contrast, givers who struggle tend to overextend. They say yes to every request, often helping indiscriminately. They may avoid asserting their own needs or fall into patterns of guilt-based giving. Over time, they can become exhausted, resentful, or invisible in systems that reward visibility and self-promotion.
What can givers learn from takers and matchers?
One of the most useful lessons in the book is that givers don’t have to abandon their values to thrive. In fact, they can borrow certain tools from takers and matchers, not to manipulate or control, but to give more effectively.
For example, takers tend to be skilled self-advocates. They know how to highlight their achievements, claim credit, and signal confidence. Givers, by contrast, often stay too humble. But confidence and humility are not opposites. Grant introduces the idea of “powerless communication”, a style in which people speak tentatively, ask questions, and share vulnerabilities. Paradoxically, this can build trust and influence more effectively than strong, assertive speech, especially when paired with credibility. Givers can learn to use this kind of communication to connect more deeply and earn respect, without abandoning their authenticity.
Another powerful tool is advice seeking. While takers tend to issue directives, givers can gain influence by asking others for their perspective. When you ask for advice, you’re not only showing humility, you’re also engaging people’s expertise and signaling that you value their input. This makes others more invested in your success, and it often opens the door to collaboration. Advice seeking, when sincere, is a quiet but effective approach that aligns perfectly with a giver’s mindset.
Too generous givers and too greedy takers?
Of course, part of becoming a smarter giver is learning how to identify people who are not operating in good faith. Intentional takers are not always easy to spot. In fact, many are quite charming. They may use flattery, urgency, or guilt to get what they want. They often appear generous at first, offering help or attention to create a sense of reciprocity, but their help is often calculated.
What I’ve taken from revisiting this book is not that I need to give less, but that I need to give differently. I now try to focus my efforts on relationships and projects that are aligned with my purpose while keeping an eye on my energy level. I ask more questions before saying yes. I allow myself to say no without guilt.
The guilt part is still a work in progress. When I say no to someone, I often feel guilty. My therapist offered me a helpful reframe: “When you feel guilty, it’s a good sign. It means you are choosing yourself.” I still struggle to enjoy that “good sign,” so I’ve added new layers to help.
If a request takes less than ten minutes, I offer help unconditionally. If it’s something more time-consuming, I’ve crafted a message I can quickly send, explaining that I’m at capacity and need to take care of my energy. I offer to reconnect at a later time. I’m aware this might mean losing momentum, but I’ve learned not to lose more important things in the process.
A Final Story: Meeting Midway
So, what is the balance between giving and taking?
I’ll end with a story about a couple I met in London a few years ago. They went to INSEAD in 1984, the year I was born. For the past five years, they’ve been in a long-distance relationship, with him commuting from Paris to London every weekend to spend time with the family. I asked them the secret to sustaining a 40+ year relationship while both pursuing ambitious careers.
They told me: “We committed to always meet midway.”
They explained that if one of them was giving more for a period, the other didn’t wait until the giver was drained. Instead, they anticipated the shift. The wife shared: “I just decided to move to Paris and commute to London for my business, before he ever asked me. I wanted to take over the effort for a while. He didn’t ask. If he had, it might already have been too late.”