I come from a background that constantly built on the habit of comparing myself to others.
It all started at school, where, like for most people I know, the grades I got were appreciated only after being benchmarked with those of my colleagues. Later on, in high school, it was not only about the grades, but also about the holiday destinations. I studied in an excellent high school with very smart students that I happily related to without feeling inferior. A problem arose when we shared stories together about our summer activities. My stories were about visiting my grandparents and, at best, going on a trip to the seaside. The stories of my peers were often about extravagant road trips around Europe. I felt smart, but not cool enough. It was no surprise when I started to assume that wealthy people are happier.
The next layer of this belief was my conviction that what others have is certainly better than what I have, and this affected all aspects of my life. As an entrepreneur, I felt I was missing out on the experience of working in a big company. When I had a job in a big company, I missed out on the freedom an entrepreneur has. When I lived in London, I missed the opportunities of a developing country. When I moved back to Romania, I missed the benefits of such a global city like London. And so on. The grass always seemed greener on the other side.
Then, one day something shifted. In high school I could only assume that my colleagues who traveled around Europe during summer holiday were happier. As an adult, I was lucky to be able to try both entrepreneurship and a company job and choose what was better for me. It was the same with London and Bucharest. Both options were on the table. But for a while, so was the feeling of missing out on something better no matter what decision I made.
I wanted the options and the choices without that particular feeling. I wanted my energy to go into appreciating the good parts and improving what could be improved, not daydreaming about what was missing. There was no good or bad option, and there was not a perfect combination of all the benefits of both options. Or was there? Was there anything to be done about it? How could I build a scenario where the benefits of both choices come together? At least some of them, if not all.
I decided to choose an option and test improving it as much as possible with the benefits from the other I had to decline. I moved to Romania and continued to visit London frequently to get a fresh vibe, visit my favorite places, and go to cultural events. I stay in touch with my friends in London regularly. As I wrote in the previous article, I developed a lot of practices to keep quality relationships despite the distance.
I quit my job at Amazon, which was not such a difficult decision in the end, and went back to my entrepreneurial ventures. To stay connected with highly talented individuals that I appreciate, among other activities, I became a coach and learning facilitator. I work with individual clients or teams who come from big companies or from roles I find inspiring. I have the inside view of the big teams culture and keep my entrepreneurial lifestyle.
As a habit, I constantly make an effort to identify factors that are based on the model one or the other and test them to see if this is true by default. Why does this statement have to be automatically true about me? How can I change this “or-or” mindset into an “and-and” mindset?
I know we cannot have everything, but I am sure we can have anything we want if we customize the options life offers us. I also believe that one option is not always obviously better than the other. The most difficult decision is when both options are similar in terms of benefits. But looking at them through the perspective that both are good, not one being better than the other, offers a starting point that allows building a better experience with the one I choose. The grass truly becomes greener on both sides.
How do you cope with situations where you feel that the other option is better than your option?
And how do you make peace with them?