In my culture, it is rare to hear about women being taught to be women. I know cases where women are taught to be housewives or to be attractive, but not fully women. Femininity is not something most of us learn about at home or in schools.
I grew up in a post communist society where women from uneducated families started to have access to equal rights to men. Being equal to men seemed the most wanted upgrade for women. Even if the sky’s the limit for each of us, sometimes we could only ask to be equal to somebody else, instead of daring to be at our best.
In mainstream acceptance, success was more attributed to men, as they have been more exposed to accomplishments. In a subconscious manner, I followed and replicated what I saw as a behavior leading towards success. I first started earning money at 16, selling cosmetics, then teaching Math to kids in my neighborhood, then working at a kindergarten. At 20 I started my entrepreneurial path and in a few years I managed to get to a place where I was considered successful. That kind of successful masculine example that I have seen around.
Thinking deeply, success was not a goal for me, but a stepping stone. More so, it was the starting point of my journey of discovering who I truly was as a human and as a woman. A lot of gaps were to be filled, but one thing was certain: Just having success, without personal fulfillment felt empty.
The main problem is that society indicates that there is a path towards success, or at least towards indicators that show generally accepted success. Some examples are financial results, the combination of age and impact or age and growth rate. Still, no one offers not even a starting point towards self discovery.
That is a tailored experience that’s so unique from one person to another. There are some algorithms and frameworks that promise to lead to quick results. Even with the best of intentions they are predestined to fail. There are a lot of books or articles about how to be happier in seven steps, how to be more successful by making ten changes and so on. One may take education and hard work as the first steps towards success. But no one can say that the first steps towards self discovery are therapy, healing childhood wounds or designing one’s life in a personal manner.
I was in my late twenties when I was first told that I was not feminine. I was stunned. Who? Me? But I was beautiful, I was delicate, I took care of my body. That person might have been wrong. My colorful collection of high heels and fancy dresses could have confirmed that. Then, it happened again. Someone else told me I was not feminine enough. The first time my denial was so strong, I couldn’t even imagine asking for explanations. The second time, I swallowed my anger and asked what he meant by that. I was prepared to defend myself with all the arguments above. Then he kindly explained it was about energy, about my relationship with feelings and control, not about looks. I didn’t understand anything, but felt there was a key point made there.
Behavior traits can come from a feminine or a masculine energy. Masculine energy emphasizes discipline,planning, focus,strategic thinking and solution orientation. Thinking and doing, in general. Feminine energy is associated with creativity, beauty, flow, playfulness, and living in the moment. Feeling and being, in general.
Most of the skills that lead to success are those coming from a place of masculine energy. For many reasons. First, because thinking is more validated by society than feeling is, as it is easier to see its impact and results. Next, because successful role models, both men and women, are appreciated for what they do and how they think, not for their grace or creativity. Last but not least, masculine behavior is easier to be understood, structured and replicated.
Going back to my story, I was almost 30 when I had some strong insights related to how I had embraced my femininity. I had considered that fluctuations of feelings and emotions would slow down my development, so I had put them on mute and had unconsciously chosen to focus on improving my thinking and my reasoning. I had developed my intellectual capacity more than my intuition, relationship with my body, and connection to nature. I had mastered structure and discipline and underestimated the role of playfulness and flow. I had taken care of my looks as a woman, but I was strongly masculine in terms of character. Hard to swallow. On top of that, during that period of time I was preparing to start an MBA at one of the best business schools in the world.
I wasn’t ready to give up who I was and what I was doing solely because I was not considered feminine in attitude. But I was feeling a strong pain related to a core part of me that was not allowed to unfold. I decided to take this topic to reflect and work on as I was packing to move to France. An MBA is a competitive, highly intellectual environment. Classes and individual studying happen 16 hours a day on average. Even a very trained mind falls into the trap of comparing itself to a better classmate. Connection to the body or to nature, playfulness, and flow seem like they’re from a different planet while doing an MBA. It isn’t the most friendly place to accentuate feminine energy. Not only was my feminine energy fragile, but it was drained.
There were few things I had learned about myself by that time. I was getting energy and vitality from meaningful intellectual activity so I could not imagine myself giving up on it. Balancing it with more feminine activities was the real struggle. I was planning to move to London after my MBA to get my first job at someone else’s company after more than 10 years of experience as an entrepreneur. Again, a decision that doesn’t go well with exploring and developing one’s femininity. The explorer and high achiever were still solely occupying front row seats in my decision making process.
I identified myself with what was called a woman driven by masculine energy, or a strong woman, nicely said. It was hard for me to accept that strong women are masculine. It felt unfair. After so many generations of women in my family who could not afford to go to school for more than a few years, I was the first one to have access to higher education, to earn my own money from an early age, to study abroad, and to design my life as best as I could. All these came with the label that there is something wrong with women like me pursuing their path and embracing so many options. Very painful.
There was a strong calling inside me to create a space in my life for my femininity to manifest its natural flow. There was also a calling, or an idea, or a fear, that I did not want to give up the aspects that made me strong. How could I have them both? How could I become a graceful and feminine strong woman? Again, no indications of where this journey could have started from.
I looked at the women around me. Who was a role model for me? What was the ideal woman in my eyes? Could I recognize her in the women that contributed to my image of femininity, may it by right or wrong? I started to reflect on which attributes the ideal woman had for me, on which behaviors I admired in women I knew. I soon realized how much pressure I was putting on myself to be all these attributes, chosen from other women, that I had mixed for my own image of an ideal woman.
My journey towards conscious femininity was not lonely. Women indeed grow together, compared to men who grow individually. Once I started to speak about this topic with my girl friends, I understood that there were so many of us in this situation, all of us confused, but willing to find balance. I finally felt I was embarking on the right path to design my own relationship with femininity. That happened seven years ago. In the meantime, I explored the topic during many types of therapy sessions, working with body practices, from yoga to different kinds of dance and massage, women’s circles in many countries, tens of books and articles and hours of debates and journaling. I felt like a newborn when I started, now I feel like I barely started to walk on a long and beautiful journey ahead.
For other luckier women the experience might have been different, but for me, understanding what the magic of femininity was like felt like my second birth. I finally got a glimpse of it. I finally embraced the idea that my inner journey is unique although there are other women on the way. I finally decided to explore how to harmoniously combine the role of creator of my own life with the joy and pleasure of living in the moment and flowing with what the moment brings.
It is like a dance. Now I understand why dancing is associated with feminine energy. I intentionally balance the intellectual activities that I love that bring me excitement with the moments when I connect with my body, spend quality time with other women, or in nature. I intentionally speak about my emotions and vulnerabilities even in professional environments as I find this part of my feminine nature. I came to the conclusion that what I used to find weak before, like fluctuating emotions, I now see as real strengths when my emotions are contained and don’t control me.
I learned to balance the days when I am driven, structured, focused on my business and professional growth with days when I listen to soft music, decorate the house, read and practice journaling and reflection. It is still a process and the idea that I have nailed my relationship with femininity is far for me.
But I look at it with kindness and patience and I embrace it with all it has to offer me.
Reminiscing back to who I was when I was first told I was not feminine, I am so grateful to the person who dared to say this to me. I am grateful for not listening from the beginning too. Being feminine does not mean giving up actions that come from masculine energy. Being feminine does not mean not being strong. Being feminine does not mean giving up running a business or being part of highly men influenced environments. As long as all happens without killing the natural magic of flowing feminine energy.
I had to continue with my entrepreneurial journey and even did my MBA to fully understand the spectrum of how strong masculine energy can be in me. And now I can choose how much to manifest of it and how to incorporate it with feminine grace. All are parts of my own model of a strong feminine woman. It’s still in the making, but I’m strongly enjoying it.