I recently heard a friend say that she always overpays for her holidays because she plans at the very last minute. Although she and her partner have important leadership roles in two big companies where they use their planning skills to get outstanding results, when it comes to planning their personal lives, they just don’t use these skills.
One of my coaching clients is a remarkable professional who leads a group of companies where he creates strategies for profitable investments. One of his struggles is to allocate time and attention to invest his own savings wisely. He works so hard to earn the money and somehow he does not find the discipline and motivation to use his investment skills for his own financial safety.
I found myself in situations where I prioritize doing research on a topic important to my clients and postponing doing the same thing for something that is related to my personal interests, like choosing the appropriate life insurance company. Also, I rarely am late when there are other people involved, but I allow myself to be late when something important only for me is happening. If it impacts others, I show my best self; if it is only about me, I can treat myself with a less performant version. Unfortunately, I found myself in many situations where I treat people that I barely know with more patience and kindness than I treat dear ones.
The culture I come from, backed by the early education I got, was mostly oriented towards performing at best when it comes to others, such as using the best tableware when we have guests and waiting for them with the tidiest house. I highly appreciate that as it sets the ground for a respectful interaction. As I don’t believe in one or the other, I am convinced that we should treat others with our best version and we should do the same when it comes to ourselves as well.
At work, we all have a set of abilities we are appreciated for. Most of the time we also continuously improve our abilities. We are often motivated and consequent about it. I think the trade is more clear in our professional lives: if we perform at our best, we are appreciated, validated, and admired. Hence, most of the time, we are successful and financially rewarded. In our non-professional lives, the agreements are not as clear, so the temptation to postpone or under-deliver can be higher.
To make a step towards improvement, as unnatural as it may sound, we should clarify the details as in a contract. We should design these contracts by asking discovery questions:
If I don’t plan my holiday on time as I plan at work, what do I lose and what do I gain?
If I don’t treat my saving habits and decisions seriously, what are the implications?
What are the costs of my actions and what are the costs of my non-actions?
If I treat others with more attention than I treat myself, what messages do I send to myself?
Are these answers aligned with my beliefs?
Do I feel comfortable with these answers or do I want to change?
Do I have an example of when I did something similar at work or for others that I can learn from?
We might end up with the idea that our lack of discipline comes at a cost after all, and this could be the first incentive to take action. Based on our non-professional performances would we still be successful? And paid well?
To end on a positive note, Eckhart Tolle and Neale Donald Walsh, both two wise authors and spiritual teachers, had an inspiring conversation about acting what they write about. To my surprise, Neale admitted that most of the time he does not act as he suggests in his world-famous books, like Conversations with God. He joked that even his dear ones suggested he should read his own books from time to time. What touched me was when he said that he was not affected by the fact the audience will judge him. Most probably, he would never see those people again. But he was affected that his wife saw him every day and he wanted to be a better man for her.
To whom do we care more to show our best abilities? To others or to ourselves? To strangers or to dear ones?