The Art of Feedback | Alexandra Roxana Popa

The Art of Feedback

Hello, dear friend,

The way we give and receive feedback is a topic I’ve had an interest in for a long time. As a lover of feedback, I see it as an impactful tool as well as a way to improve my skills, whether it be in my relationships, my communication, or my professional life.

Giving and receiving feedback can be a challenging task, even though having an opinion comes naturally to most of us. We may assume that good intentions land with good reactions, but often, someone is hurt in the process. What lasts is the feeling people are left with, not necessarily the words they hear.

One thing I know for sure: feedback is power.
My question is: How can this power be graceful for both the giver and the receiver?

These are some ideas I apply to help make the process of feedback powerful yet graceful.

1. Timing. It comes naturally to those giving feedback to feel an urge to share their views. This can occasionally speed up the process, causing the most crucial question to be overlooked. Before giving any feedback, the following question should be posed: “Is this the right moment for feedback or sharing perspectives?”

The best feedback might backfire if it is shared at the wrong moment.

My grandma used to say, “Never ask something from your man when he is hungry.” All joking aside, there is a lot of truth in that statement, as people are often focused only on their immediate needs. When all of those needs are met, one can then be open to receiving.

Recurrent feedback requests work best with a specific time and date when all parties are aware and prepared in advance that it’s time for feedback. Additionally, each of the two parties may provide feedback in individual sessions. This is effective in both personal and professional relationships.

2. Clarity. One of my coaching clients is very performant as a professional, but the people he manages are not happy with the way he interacts with them. Hence, he receives feedback from them that falls short of his expectations. He delivers results and anticipates being evaluated based on this rather than the way he comes across during social situations.

Both parties providing the feedback should agree that they are referring to the same subjects. Beyond this, it is beneficial to clarify in advance what is most significant for each person during a discussion. While the manager might be results-focused, the rest of the team might value human interaction more during the process.

3. Feedback is a gift. I do my best to treat feedback like a book. When I receive a book, I usually show interest in it. I read the title and the covers, and I immediately decide its fate: I will read it soon, or I will place it on the bookshelf and perhaps pick it up in the future. This means that, even though the time may not be right, I will have access to its wisdom no matter what.

4. The pearl necklace. There are situations wherein the feedback giver has lots of valuable input for the receiver. After asking whether or not the receiver is open to feedback, she may eagerly start sharing. The first idea might be very insightful, and the giver waits for a reaction from the receiver to ensure she appreciates it as well. Reactions may indicate a lack of interest or focus. The giver may then continue with even more energy to share other meaningful ideas, hoping their perspectives will change the receiver’s reaction.

I call this kind of situation “the pearl necklace.” When value is shared too generously, it loses meaning if it is not truly perceived as valuable. My approach to this is to give one pearl at a time, assess the reaction, and if the receiver shows interest, I will continue with more. I avoid throwing a whole pearl necklace at someone who will throw it away.

5. Emotions. Feedback is more often charged with emotions than not. People tend to correlate their value as professionals or even as humans with what they do and say, as well as how others perceive what they do and say. This is the main reason why emotions run high during a feedback session.

If possible, I try to take time to react to the feedback I receive. I focus on my emotions and on understanding their origins. I allow at least 24 hours before I permit myself to react. When I choose to speak about it, I communicate my side of the story and try to address questions to understand the other side. Sometimes it works, and sometimes other emotions take the lead. Work in progress.

6. Actionability. Should I offer feedback for the next step or feedback about how I would do it? There are two primary ways of giving feedback: to help the receiver move to the next stage of performance OR to guide the receiver to perform in the same way as the giver. Unless the receiver specifically asks: “How do you do that thing? I would like to do it exactly as you do,” then the second case should never happen. The art of feedback means meeting the receiver where they are and offering feedback that will help them progress one step further.

I am always willing to understand how the feedback I give can be specific to the needs and areas of improvement for the receiver. If feedback is not actionable for the skills the receiver currently has, then it is not the proper feedback for her. Some additional questions could be: “What are you focusing on to improve?” “What is important for you to excel at, and what expectations do you want to meet?”

7. Balance. There are instances when 90% of things work out, and the remaining 10% can use some improvement. Unless it is decided otherwise, feedback should be given with a balance between a large portion of appreciative feedback (about 90%) and a smaller portion of constructive criticism (about 10%). What most people do is the exact opposite. They assume all of the feedback should be constructive, or that the receiver’s main objective is to hear what they could do better. However, we also need opportunities to celebrate our victories.

8. Roles. Most of the time, we find ourselves in relationships where we see others in different roles. Having worked in a family business for more than 18 years, one of the challenges I faced when giving and receiving feedback in the company where I worked with relatives was to make it clear which role I was referring to.

It’s crucial to differentiate between roles when giving and receiving feedback to avoid confusion.

These are just a few aspects that can improve our feedback practices. The most vital factors to remember are to use empathy for the feelings of other people involved in a feedback session, to reconfirm good intentions, and to adapt when the process doesn’t proceed on the expected route.

In the end, I am convinced that feedback is super valuable. 

How can we enhance our practices of feedback? 

What are some techniques you use?