I might be a dreamer, but I know I am not the only one.*
It might be because of my nature, meaning my predisposition for ideal setups and happenings. Or it might be the subtle impact of the education exposed in romantic movies where life changing meetings or events happen in a second. It can even be my way of postponing decision making.
One thing I know for sure: I have always been searching for the feeling of knowing in a second the only possible truth for a decision. Or put differently, I have always looked for epiphanies. This means I have always looked for ideal, undebatable situations where everything is crystal clear. Like the answer would come down to me from a cloud of wisdom that unfolds only at the right moment.
I know it sounds childish. I also know somewhere deep inside I have credited this as the only possible way to really know something life changing.
I can connect this expectation of mine with my perfectionism as well. Decision making process is never strong enough for important decisions. Really?
This aspect had a tremendous impact on both my personal and professional life. Choosing a career and a life partner were the kind of decisions that I hoped and projected will be full body yes decisions. What does that mean? Shortly said: no doubt about it in any aspect.
Well, life did not happen as predicted though. Here I am, in my late thirties still trying to figure out how it has to feel like with the partner for life and the career for life. As expected, I tried some options that were exciting enough to make me think I had nailed the feeling of the right decision. But, the trap is that the feelings can not be nailed.
Once, a friend told me that I should adjust my expectations about ideal situations. If for me something ideal is something that meets more than 95% of my expectations, I should lower that bar to 80%. In this case more situations would fall into the ideal category. That sounded wise and I am sure it would have impacted my life so positively! Instead, when something falls (exceptionally) into the 95% ideal category, I start focusing on the missing 5%. And the magic is gone.
Before labeling this as fundamentally unsatisfactory behavior, there is one more thing I would like to add: in my mind, subconscious mind until recently, I had always believed that important decisions in life are 100% sure. That after the 95% condition ticks the box, there should be something unexplainable that makes the decision to be aligned with the universal order of right decisions. Or what I understand by epiphanies. So complicated to implement for someone so rational and structured as I am. But I think this was for me the space I allocated to the Universe or Life Force or You Name It to manifest its role for me.
Back to my decisions regarding life partner and career, I am considering a change in my approach. I would start from something good enough and see how it progresses. By now, I know what good enough could mean in both areas. Instead of waiting for Prince Charming (trying to find him is more suitable than waiting for), I would like to take it from spending time in good company with a man and see where that takes me to. Career related, I have experience in many fields and roles, I plan to do more of what I already know I like and see what starts to be built from there.
I will change happily ever after with work in progress. At least for now.
*Adapted from Imagine by John Lennon