The trap of not good enough has always been part of my journey, more or less present. This voice has helped me a lot. To progress, to improve, to grow. But from a point onwards, it damaged me a lot as well. I did not know where to stop and I had always focused on what was missing. This took out the joy of the process and the happiness of any achievements. Slowly, slowly, starting from an experience I had during a course, my attention turned to what was there to appreciate instead of what wasn’t good enough.
Towards the end of my MBA, I took a 3 days course that was highly popular, but no one offered too many details about it. It was taught by professors from Stanford who came to our campus and it was popularly named “Touchy Feely”. Its official name is Interpersonal Dynamics and it’s the most appreciated elective at Stanford.
Without knowing what to expect, here I was with 12 other classmates all seated in a circle. The two professors were part of our circle as well, both quiet and calm. No one asked questions. No one offered guidelines. After a few minutes of silence, I shared my story.
“I don’t know what is going to happen these days. But I feel the need to share with you that I’ve been highly emotional lately. My grandma passed away on my birthday three weeks ago and my relationship with my mom has been affected. We haven’t spoken since then. Some of you know me well, some of you don’t know me at all. I feel there is a high probability that I might over-react or cry for no obvious reason.” Silence. No one said anything for the next few minutes. I could only hear my heartbeat and the voices in my mind wondering if I had done the right thing to share my feelings so openly.
The two professors said nothing about my story. Instead, they asked the group, one by one, how they felt about what I had just shared. Some of my classmates were feeling empathy and were willing to create a safe space for me. I was surprised that others were thinking that I wanted to bring the group attention to me. I felt judged. The two professors were not approving or disapproving anyone’s reaction. They were just holding the space for each of us to safely express what we felt.
At the end of the three days we had time for questions, answers and feedback. One of the professors came to me to say he found it really brave that I had shared my story with the group without any requirement to do so. He considered it a gesture to start the interaction from a clean space where I took the responsibility to share my side of the story. He also said that he had noticed my surprise seeing that some of my classmates had judged my moment of vulnerability.
In the end he said something that still stays with me very vividly: “Whatever you do, whatever you share, the world will split into two groups: those who are your fans and those who, for whatever reason, are not your fans. Not everyone will be your fan and this should not be your goal. The only thing that you have to do is to keep being yourself and to keep expressing yourself. Those from the first group will always appreciate you and those from the second group will always exist, no matter how much you try to convince them.”
That moment was the shifting point in my thinking. I was used to paying attention to those who are always unsatisfied, who have something to complain about or something more to ask. I was a pleaser. A very good one. That’s why my focus was on the second group: those who were not my fans. I found it a part of my mission to please everyone. And I had worked hard for that.
After the Touchy Feely course, I realized that no matter how hard I try, there will always be someone in the second group. Those who find something to judge or who decide to focus on the imperfect aspects, will always nurture my never enough or never good enough voice. And If my focus goes there, I will reduce the focus from the first group and, most importantly, from expressing myself as a person and as professional.