Building quality relationships is a topic that has preoccupied my mind over the years, sometimes even more so than my work—whether it be my family, my partner, my friends, my employees, or my extended relatives. I have taken every opportunity I had to practice being a better person to the people who matter most to me.
Although it is not an easy topic to discuss, I am happy to discover that we are making progress on the journey of relating to others. During some mastermind and coaching sessions, the question of establishing longer-lasting, higher-quality relationships comes up frequently.
For me, relationships are entities that require special care, love, and reciprocal attention. Relationships have different needs at different moments in time. In our professional relationships, we usually use contracts to validate that we are aware of both parties’ expectations and responsibilities. In our personal relationships, however, we assume most aspects, and, in turn, we suppose the other party assumes the exact same things we do.
This is not where the assumption process ends, though. It continues with a larger risk: assuming it is the other person’s responsibility to repair the relationship and feeling disrespected if it does not happen.
Aside from reading on the topic of quality relationships, I learn quite a lot from people I know and appreciate them for their intentional way of building and keeping their relationships. Just as I wouldn’t expect everything I share to work for you, I also realize that not everything that works for others will work for me. Over the years, I learned that paying attention to the aspects that follow helped me treat my relationships in a healthy and constructive way.
Clarity. It is solely my responsibility to communicate my needs, boundaries, and feelings in a relationship. The road to disappointment is paved by waiting for someone else to guess exactly what kind of attention I need, which can vary widely. I often use the metaphor of an instruction manual for this. The best gift we can offer the other person in a relationship is our own instruction manual. Obviously, it is far more difficult to clarify all the aspects of our needs and practices than it is for a mechanical device, but we are responsible for understanding ourselves and then communicating it clearly.
Kindness. Let’s imagine that we already know what we need and feel comfortable communicating it. Adding kindness to a recipe makes a huge difference. People are often in different stages of understanding their own needs and dealing with the needs of others. Even if I know exactly what my needs are, I still communicate them step by step after validating that the other person is on the same page and shows interest in listening to me. I’ve experienced that my language is overly formal and intimidating for someone who is not used to such conversations. For this reason, building quality relationships requires kindness and consideration for another person’s place in the process.
Timing. Choosing the appropriate timing and setting for communication is even more important than the message itself. For the conversation to be successful, both parties must agree on the topic and collaboratively choose a proper moment together. Any type of long-term relationship goes through different phases. Understanding the rhythm and stages of a relationship takes the pressure off of expectations that everything is equally intense all the time.
Emotions. Topics related to relationships are typically fragile in nature. Emotions run high, scenarios are quickly generated, and mindfulness is easily lost. The more important the topic, the more emotions should be regulated during the discussion. Waiting for the right amount of time to allow emotions to calm down is good preparation for an important conversation. Testing the emotional waters is a good step to take to assess a situation. Mock conversations to imagine the person in front of us is an ideal way to test this.
Mapping. I like to say that each relationship has its own map written in pencil. All sides are responsible for contributing to the map in a way that informs the other party. By communicating boundaries and investigating the boundaries of the other person to suggest directions and activities, a “map” is created. This map can serve as a visual representation of overlapping aspects of the relationship, the areas of interest of each party, and any sensitive subjects that exist.
Revisiting. Even if the most important aspects of a relationship have been discussed, they may not remain valid forever. Revisiting the agreements between parties from time to time and observing the changes that occur is very healthy for a relationship. Most couples that I admire have a habit of reviewing the factors of their partnership every year.
Breaks. Yes, it is okay to take breaks, even from the most precious relationships. Some relationships have episodes when needs and interests are different. Taking a break and letting things flow naturally may help strengthen the relationship later. The sensitive detail here is to communicate the desire for a break and not assume that things are clear for all parties involved. People can get hurt easily when one person wants to take a break and the other is still waiting for the relationship to continue as usual.
Disclaimer: Taking all the right steps at the right moment for a relationship does not guarantee a positive result.
Second disclaimer: Not taking the right steps and not respecting the timing required by the relationship most probably will affect the relationship.
After all these years, I have learned that there is no recipe for a “perfect” relationship. Practice makes it close to perfect, and all aspects should be customized to fit the unique needs and purpose of each relationship.
What practices do you employ to have better-quality relationships?